My revenge body story started, just like many other, with a broken heart. It actually took me a while to get started, the beginning was quite messy.
The photo above was taken back in May 2016, just a few hours before my world fell apart actually. It took me up to September to make a real change. I finally had the strength to break up with my fiancé and start my life over. Some of you had gone through this and know how hard it is, others would have went through even worst and will smile at my words. I smile too, because now I've overcame this break up, I feel like it wasn't as hard as it seemed. It was just a different kind of pain, the kind you'll know just once in your life. Because you have only one first love and only that first love can break your heart that way.
End of September, I was a mess. All throughout October I lost my first 10 kilos which was insane and unhealthy. I didn't do it on purpose. I would sometimes realise that it had been 3 days since my last meal. Life didn't have a taste. I'd look at food with envy but once in my mouth it would make me feel sick, so I stopped eating at all. I'd go to work everyday pretending I was fine and all I'd have in my belly would be a black coffee.
2nd of November I went to the gym for the very first time. It wasn't about loosing weight, I actually stopped dropping kilos after that. It was about doing something. Coming out of my relationship left me empty. I had spent the past 5 years of my life dealing with my toxic partner, thinking it was love and it was all worth it. Couples go through that. Couples have problems, ups and downs. Yes, couples do, but not the way we did. Breaking up felt like being free again and I am still high on that feeling months later ! I got to be myself, discover myself but most importantly : love myself first. The problem was : I didn't know who I was anymore.
Going to the gym was about getting busy. Since I've spent 5 years organising my life around the man I used to love, it felt empty once single. I know now that I'll never do that again. I also wanted to feel hungry again. I knew that my weight loss, as great as I felt, wasn't healthy at all. My hair was falling, my nails breaking, my skin was dull. My entire body was crying for help and of course it did. I was living on water and coffee ! It took me about a week before I felt the results of the gym. I started getting hungry. Because I was eating more, I wanted my food to be healthy to keep on loosing weight.
September and March (-15kg)
I kept going about twice a week for the first two months. They were complicated and fun at the same time. I was living life again, my weight was stabilised, I was partying, seeing some old friends I missed so much but I was still quite insecure and depressed. My ex and I would still be fighting from time to time and I had this rage inside my body I couldn't shake off. He still had a hold over me and I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to be free, to be strong.
The real change happened on my birthday. I turned 26 and realised I couldn't waste my 20's over him anymore. Over anyone's bullshit really. Being single meant dealing with fuckboys (oh..them !), with friends that are in relationships, people telling you that you “hate men” simply because you love being single etc. This is when going to the gym stopped being about loosing weight or getting busy. It was about becoming strong. From that moment, my addiction truly started and a new chapter began.
The month of February was intense but I learned so much about myself. I had to stop being stupid, running around the place like a headless chicken and trying to prove the wrong things to the wrong people. I came back home from my mother's with a new state of mind. I was angry, furious even. But it felt great. I work so much better on anger, it's my fuel in life and I knew that was gonna be my true snap back. It wasn't the type of anger that burns you from inside with jealousy and makes you feel mean. Maybe I shouldn't even call it anger. It feels like a fire inside me, still burning as I am talking to you at this very moment. It lit up that one night on my birthday when I cut in pieces all my photos with my ex at 1 am. That fire that keeps telling me every day “you slay queen !”. It reminds me of anger but maybe it's just a deadly motivation. A poisonous will to live my life, be myself and not let anyone ruin it in the name of love.
I started going to the gym everyday. This new morning routine got my entire life on track. Somehow, everything started to fall into place. My gym routine was my priority and I am still today working my schedule around it. A few months before, I'd skip classes to go out partying, to prove myself and others I was living life. Not anymore. I'd rather be facing that mirror and sweat my anger out. My sleep improved, as well as my mood, patience and anger issues. Back in November, I registered because I needed to do something with my life and now it has become a true addiction. The few days I had to miss a class because I was too weak were so sad to me.
Lifting weight and boxing made a real difference. The first 3 months I'd mostly go to dance classes and pilates. But once I started lifting and boxing , something real happened in me. I felt strong. I am still not lifting much, about 6 kilos on a bar. That's ridiculously light, but it leaves me brutal muscle pain and I love it ! Going to the gym gave me control over my emotions. Every time I felt down or that I lost confidence, I'd get in there and work my ass off. Feeling my body in pain, holding on and leaving the room soaking wet is the best feeling in the world. The gym feels like a second home. My trainers don't even know what they all mean to me, how they help me go through life as they scream to my ears “Don't give up ! Keep going ! You can do it !”. These words, as stupid as it seems, I needed to hear them out loud. Because back in May, I thought I couldn't live without the love of my life. And now look at me : all alive and shit !
I remember starting with a yoga class back in November. I was sweating, in pain and couldn't move my body properly. It's still difficult but not like it used to be. The slow improvement I am experiencing, my confidence boost, my inner strength, it all makes the pain worth it. I don't know where I would be today without the gym. How my breakup would have looked like. All I know for sure is that today, I feel strong in my mind but it took me to start with my body. I took a revenge on life, on myself as well. I forgave myself for being so stupidly in love, so weak and forgiving for the wrong people. And for the past 4 months, I have lived, laugh, learned, experienced more than I ever did since I was 21. Not just because I am going to the gym. But because by making this a priority, I made myself a priority. Selfish. Unapologetic. I do what the fuck I want. By that I mean, my decisions are mine, no one can pressure me into something anymore or intimidate me. I am my own master and this feeling is the purest I have ever experienced. Especially coming out of a toxic relationship. I love myself first, make myself strong first so I can love and be strong for others. But I need to be standing in order to help anyone walk. You will never let yourself down, so put yourself first. Give yourself kindness and appreciation. The moment I started doing so, my life changed for the better.